


Mara

by DiavenraNesus



Series: Tumblr Purge 2018 (Fuckmotheringfandomsagain) [9]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Death of a loved one, F/M, Hurt, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mentions of Suicide, talk about self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-19
Updated: 2018-12-19
Packaged: 2019-09-23 03:15:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17072468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DiavenraNesus/pseuds/DiavenraNesus
Summary: So... Who was this person standing in front of him?It couldn’t be you. Sure, it looked like you but he felt as if he was staring at a distorted picture of you, a ghastly copy pretending desperately to be you but only failing more.





	Mara

**Author's Note:**

> This has to be the most personal thing I’ve ever written. This is for no one else but me. I had to let go, I felt like it was suffocating me so if you don’t want to read this, I totally understand but I couldn’t keep it inside of me anymore.

One of the things Lance had admired about you, and to a certain degree also envied, was your immense strength in staying positive. It wasn’t naivety, you never underestimated the weight of a situation, you simply didn’t allow it to cloud your judgment and drag you down.

It wasn't like a smile was frozen on your face and you didn't give yourself room to feel bad about certain things, you weren't holding up a mask like he had caught himself doing so many times. No, you gave yourself room to be emotional when it was necessary, a set amount of time for you to break down and then you picked yourself up again.

Each time he had seen it happen, his respect for you grew and each time he felt himself tumbling down this dangerous, dark hole and he reminded himself of you. Of course, you weren't a magical solution and could make all of his bad thoughts disappear but when he was talking to you, without talking about it, it got easier to breathe, walking the next step felt less like forcing his feet to move him. 

When you had managed to pick him up, he felt his heart swell in his chest with emotions he couldn't put names to. All he was able to do in these times was to thank you and never had those two words sounded weaker. He was thankful for having you in his life but it was _so much more than that_.

All of this made Lance believe that you were the most honest person he knew. Not just blunt with other but blunt with you, too. 

So... Who was this person standing in front of him? 

It couldn’t be you. Sure, it looked like you but he felt as if he was staring at a distorted picture of you, a ghastly copy pretending desperately to be you but only failing more. 

Lance watched you go through your day, energy pumping through you and you were quick to help everyone wherever you could. Same as usual, and yet your energy felt cold as if you were missing your usual warmth. 

From the start, he had had the itch to confront you and ask you what was going on with you but until now it had always been you picking him up, never the other way around, so what good could he do even if he found out you were masking something like he suspected?

He was frozen in uncertainty, watching you play this role for a couple of days. His dark thoughts accompanying him wherever he went until the itch grew into a burning and he couldn’t stay still anymore. He needed to do something, even if was only to check in with someone else. 

He had been sitting next to Hunk, staring at the ceiling while the other was tinkering at something when the question broke out of him.

“Hey, do you think (Y/n) is acting weird?“ 

Hunk’s head lifted from the device he had been working on, following Lance’s line of vision towards you, watching as something Keith said had you laughing loudly. 

“Because she’s laughing with Keith...?“ Hunk narrowed his eyes at Lance, forehead scrunching in confusion, not entirely buying the situation he was part of. 

“What!? Of course not!“ He exclaimed, arms moving erratically to drive his point home. 

There was a small pause before he continued in a whisper. “I’m just worried about her...” 

Hunk observed his best friend, going through his memory if he had noticed anything strange but came up with nothing. Yet there was something on Lance’s expression that kept him from dismissing his concerns. 

“I mean this is (Y/n) we’re talking about, I’m sure if there’s something she’ll come back from it; she always does. But if you’re seriously worried, you know what she would do.“

“Talk,“ they said in unison, followed by Lance groaning before he got up and walked over to her and Keith. 

No one who had spent more than five minutes with Lance could claim that he didn’t like talking; he loved it, loved discovering more about the people around him. However, what he avoided like a plague, was talking about serious subjects when there was a good chance he could screw up the other by something he said. 

“Hey (Y/n), can I speak to you for a moment?“

No going back now. 

“Of course, Lance,“ you chirped and for a second you seemed normal before he caught a glimpse of your eyes and was now surer than ever that you were hiding something; they looked dead. 

You clasped a hand over Keith’s shoulder in goodbye and followed Lance into the next empty room. After you closed the door behind you, he took a moment to keep his back to you, sucking a long breath in and finally turning around. Gone was his smile and in return so did your happy facade, replaced with worry for the other. 

“Are you okay,“ you both asked, your hand raised to touch his cheek, to comfort _him_ , but it froze midair when you realized what he had asked. 

A shaky smile appeared on your lips as you chuckled nervously. “Wha... Of course, I’m okay.”

“You don’t look like you are.“

“I am, tho. I’m okay.“

You grasped your necklace, tightening the chain around your throat. Lance was sure that you did it without meaning to and it was all he needed to know. 

He had noticed early on that when you were cheering someone up, you told them about similar things you had been forced to go through, kind of to show them that they can too. 

So when he told you about his dark thoughts, you in turn told him about your history of self-harm, how you had hated cutting and instead choked yourself, that it helped you stay grounded, how you were always wearing your necklace to remind you to not harm yourself again but that when you were very stressed or fighting the urge again, you constantly tugged at it and after years of doing that, it had become a reflex...

“I’m okay, Lance,“ you repeated.

“Why you’re tugging at your necklace then?“

As if the piece of jewelry had burned you, you let go of it, touching your neck and the strangulation mark forever imprinted there. 

You dropped the mask, staring at the ground as you whispered, “Let it go, Lance.”

“I can’t.“

“ _Please_ , just leave me alone.”

You lifted your head again and when he saw your face, he felt his heart thump in pain. You looked so broken, so fragile, so unlike you and it almost convinced him to let it go. 

“I’m sorry, you wouldn’t let me either. You’re always telling us to talk about our feelings and to get help. Let me help you now, (Y/n).“

Lance stepped closer to you, hands resting on your arms, not daring to come closer until you gave him the okay. 

“Remember when you asked me,“ your voice wavered, tears brimming in your eyes, “how I keep my cool and I told you about my best friend?“

“Your sister from another mister?“

You laughed as tears streamed down your face and nodded. 

“I do. Mara, right?“

Your face contorted in pain, “Yes, Mara. We both grew up with suicidal tendencies, believing that we wouldn’t die a natural cause, wouldn’t grow old; we knew that we would kill ourselves, sooner rather than later.”

You grabbed onto his arms, nails digging painfully in his flesh but he didn’t let himself show any reaction, not when he knew that he had to be strong for you now. 

“But we had a promise. We wouldn’t stop the other, just check in if they were serious but the thing we swore to do was tell the other, so we wouldn’t just run into it without a warning. It worked all this time. All these attempts, we told the other, gave her a warning but, but-“

Sobs wrecked your body and on instinct, Lance rushed forward to hug you, wrapping his arms around you and pressing you close to him, tightly. 

At first, you tried to get out, prove it wasn’t affecting you as much but he didn’t let you and with every stroke of his hand over your broke, a piece of your resolve clipped away until you were breaking, sobbing and then wailing in his arms. 

“She promised me! She fucking promised me! Why didn’t she just tell me?!“

“I don’t know. I’m sorry,“ Lance said, fighting to keep his voice under control as he cried with you. 

“I visited her. I found her, Lance. And she didn’t give me a warning and I don’t even know how to function.“

He kissed your head. “You will, I promise you.”

Lifting your head, you stared into his eyes, confusion all written over your features. “How? She’s the reason why I was able to keep going, she picked me up so many times. I won’t survive being without her. I can’t.”

Lance put his hands on your cheeks, “Yes, you can. You will survive this and you will learn to live again, like you always wanted. Think about it. Despite all your trauma, you’re still here. Despite what Mara did, you didn’t collapse and followed her. Even though you don’t feel like it, you’re strong enough for this.”

You didn’t answer him. Instead, you put your face into the crook of his neck, giving into your feelings now that the dam was broken. You didn’t notice when your legs gave out under you or how Lance kept you upright so you could lay down onto the floor, rather than you falling down. 

All you noticed was him holding you together.


End file.
